Unlike most New Year’s resolutions, which require a personal commitment of resolve and discipline, for 2004 many of my goals are attainable only with the help of the direct marketing community.
1. I resolve to memorize the Hindi, Gaelic and Tagalog phrases for “I’ve already rebooted: Stop trying to fit my computer glitch into what you have in your manual.” This will reduce the time I spend negotiating with computer service reps about what’s wrong with my machine.
2. Since TiVo allows viewers to skip over commercials, I resolve to help the industry meet this challenge by blending DRTV right into program content. There is no reason why George Stephanopoulos shouldn’t anchor “This Week” while working out on a Bowflex exercise machine.
3. I resolve not to use the word “levied” when talking about the Internet use-tax. Just as the Hormel Corporation doesn’t want its product – Spam, capitalized – associated with e-mail (lower case spam), I have no desire to see my family’s name dragged through regulatory mud.
4. And while we’re on the subject of last names, I resolve to write “Mr. Levey” in the “First Name” slot on warranty cards and other items that might be used to build a mailing list. This will remove the temptation among marketers I’ve never met to be overly familiar with me, which should have a mitigating effect on my red rages.
5. To preserve what little dignity is left in my profession, I resolve to take the tip jar off my desk. (It didn’t have much in it, anyway.) I will not contemplate the ramifications of the fact that mail carriers, like Starbucks barristas, continue to ask for tips.
6. I resolve not to pick on mail carriers within my column for the next six months.
7. I resolve to contact every credit card issuer and let them know that I really don’t need any more credit, thank you. Had I taken advantage of all the offers I received in 2003, I could have corrected the U.S. trade imbalance by maxing out my cards buying Chinese bras.
8. Americans have gotten wider, but airline seats haven’t. The airlines are trying to rectify this by not feeding fliers, even on cross-country trips. To meet the airlines halfway, I once again resolve to lose 15 pounds.
To respond to the opinions in this column, please contact rlevey@primediabusiness.com
