Last week, I wrote about the Department of Homeland Security’s decision to bring its computer-assisted operations in-house. As I noted then, I don’t have a lot of faith in the DHS’s ability to coordinate database systems, and apparently I’m not alone. A government official from a sub-unit of the Department of Transportation called me and offered insights into his foray into database analysis and homeland security.
He did not wish to be identified, so in deference to his role within the Transportation department I will refer to him as “Deep Tread.”
Loose Cannon: When we initially spoke, you characterized your database as “a complete waste of the U.S. citizenry’s money,” and indicated that it was far more powerful and expensive than you needed. Do you still feel this way?
Deep Tread: Indeed. We actually had a line item in our budget for a little bitty database, but instead we got our current behemoth. What’s even more galling is that this fantastically expensive system turned out to be secondhand.
Loose Cannon: How did you discover that?
Deep Tread: The database previously tracked direct marketing campaigns, and it still has a lot of that information embedded within it. This old data takes up a lot of storage space, and given the work we do with the various Departments of Motor Vehicles, there really isn’t much of a fit.
Loose Cannon: So you don’t feel this marketing information is somehow helpful to homeland security?
Deep Tread: So far, we haven’t found too much correlation between people who have received pre-approved credit card offers and their willingness to subvert the United States.
Loose Cannon: What about your DMV information? I would think that would be very useful for homeland security.
Deep Tread: Well, you have to understand that my office is very specialized. We don’t actually do anything with motorist or vehicle data per se. We’re in charge of decorating local DMV facilities. Specifically, we determine what sort of greenery they should display in their waiting rooms.
Loose Cannon: I guess I can understand why your unit’s contribution to a federal anti-terrorism database might be overlooked.
Deep Tread: I was mystified as to why we received this particular system until I looked at the shipping manifest. The database was supposed to go to the Physical Plant Division of the Department of Transportation, which is responsible for securing urban transportation utility sites.
Loose Cannon: How did you wind up with it?
Deep Tread: I work for the Physical Placement of Plants Unit of the Department of Transportation. I suppose the shipping firm got confused.
Loose Cannon: Why didn’t you just send it back?
Deep Tread: If you’re a federal agency, you can’t just send things back to the government: You’ll look like a schlub. What you do is sign the shipping bill, say thanks, and then every Thursday lug your unwanted items to a big swap meet held in a secure bunker under the Washington Mall.
Loose Cannon: I’m actually not sure why, given your department’s mission of placing plants in DMV outlets, you would need a complex data analysis system at all.
Deep Tread: There are many variables surrounding the government’s placement of plants. What sort of light the facility gets and whether the local tap water is conducive to plant life, for instance. Once we’ve crunched all that information, our shipping department automatically sends each facility a potted Ficus tree.
Loose Cannon: A Ficus tree?
Deep Tread: We found a greenhouse nursery marketer among the catalog information left over in our database. We didn't have enough money left after we purchased the database, so we had to buy in bulk. And...well...Ficus trees were on sale.
Loose Cannon: I’m beginning to see your point – that this really was a waste of taxpayer money.
Deep Tread: Unfortunately, after Sept. 11, any department that wanted to be taken seriously had to have a database. We’re hoping that with our next budget we can get items in line with more pressing department needs.
Loose Cannon: Such as?
Deep Tread: Chairs and tables would be nice.
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