Greetings, brethren. Please take your seats, and remember to turn your cell phones and pagers to the “mute” option.
My discourse today will focus on Sin and Repentance. In your Yellow Pages, please turn to Exchanges 10:14-16.
“It came to pass that the number of Untouchables grew to nearly 55 million. The Regulator spoke unto the dialers, saying, ‘I have set them apart, and whosoever deigns to tempt them, or make intrusions into their domiciles or mobile phones, shall know my great vengeance and furious anger. And I will set Mother Bell above all dialers, to keep the names and ensure that My will be done.’
“And so it was, for one cycle of the moon, all was calm in the land. Fewer were the number of intrusions, and the people ate their dinners in peace.”
Turn please, to Tintinnabulations 14:12-13.
“But Mother Bell’s heart was not pure, and her dialing finger even more corrupted, and on the 35th day came the 29 customers who were wronged 78 times, which added up nicely to a fine of 780,000 smackers.”
In Directories 6:7-9 we read:
“Muris looked upon Powell’s wife, and saw her to be comely --”
Whoops! Sorry, wrong number. Directories 16:7-19. We read:
“And Mother Bell cried out, saying, ‘We have been faithful and righteous in dispatching the duties set before us. The decision to make these phone calls was doubtless made by marketing, which is staffed largely by people who couldn’t find their own [untranslatable from the Aramaic] with both hands and a flashlight.’
“‘Furthermore, this was not a criminal act, merely a blessed misdialing, and we beg your mercy.’
“But The Regulator was unmoved, and for her perniciousness condemned Mother Bell to be heaped with scorn and derision until the Last Days, or at least until someone figures out what perniciousness is.”
Turn, please, to Song of Graham, 11:29-31:
“Who goes among my people with humility and self-regulation shall get along okay, but he that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind, and that goes double for those who can’t keep their databases straight.”
Brethren, go forth in humble recognition that while the pure of heart may live in peace, the very entity designed to regulate telemarketing got it in the keister for screwing up. But let not the true lesson of today be neglected while you are quietly rejoicing: Those FCC folks mean business.
To respond to the opinions in this column, please contact rlevey@primediabusiness.com
