Last week’s column stirred up considerable debate over the role recency, frequency and monetary segmentation plays, and should play, in customer e-mail marketing. But marketers wishing to go beyond RFM analysis might consider other methods. Noted astrologer Sydney Omarr died on Jan. 2, and in his honor I offer direct marketers the following insights into their customers, based on each customers’ zodiac sign.
Aries March 21 – April 20
Nothing will make an Aries slam down a telephone or click away from a Web site faster than being asked for personal information, such as a social security number, unless the benefit of forking that information over is made crystal clear. Stubborn Aries can work himself into such a snit over privacy that, if challenged, he will dig in his heels and refuse to surrender even the most basic contact information, such as his name. Any marketer wishing to send merchandise to this sign would be wise to find a mailing service that delivers to anonymous post office boxes.
Taurus April 21 - May 21
The Taurus is an incredibly loyal customer -- until crossed, at which point his unyielding stubbornness surfaces. A Taurus will revel in his 40-year relationship with an apparel cataloger, yet abruptly and irrevocably terminate that relationship in the 41st year because the catalog switched from perfect binding to saddle stitching.
Gemini May 22 – June 21
Gemini shoppers are lively and playful but easily bored. Web marketers, for instance, have to invest in creating challenging games to lure this audience to their sites. That said, the Gemini’s skewed cost/benefit outlook works in a marketer’s favor. The typical Gemini shopper is a $500 an hour lawyer who invests 30 minutes of billable time playing a quiz that earns a 10% discount on the latest John Grisham novel, and feels he got the better of the deal.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
The clingy Cancer would seem to be an ideal subject for relationship marketing. Unfortunately, Cancers don’t like to let anything out of their claws, and that includes both response cards and dollars. They will save every element of every piece of mail a marketer sends them, which means mailers never see their order response cards again.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Leo consumers are enthusiastic, dominating and at times overbearing. Call center representatives servicing them will need to wield asbestos hands wrapped in velvet gloves. It is not uncommon for a Leo to get sidetracked into a rant on supply chain management while simply trying to exchange a pair of too-small long johns. More call center reps quit immediately after dealing with irate Leo customers than with any other sign.
Virgo August 23 – September 23
Online package tracking was invented for this meticulous, fussy and critical sign. If marketers determine how to charge for this function, Virgos will keep them in the black forever. A Virgo who ships a package isn’t satisfied until he knows the make of the vehicle used to transport it, the correct spelling of the name of every person who touched the parcel and whether the final recipient signature was done in ballpoint or felt-tip pen.
Libra September 24 – October 23
Libras are the most beautiful and fashion-conscious of the zodiac signs, and will go out of their way to adorn themselves accordingly, meticulously selecting their wardrobes from every listed color in a catalog. Libras can differentiate among 447 shades of yellow, and will expect any direct response marketer approaching them to do the same. Even those selling life insurance.
Scorpio October 24 – November 22
Scorpio shoppers browse catalogs, pepper call center representatives with questions, and obsessively comb the Internet for product reviews of the item under consideration. If another information channel is created Scorpios will require its input as well, convinced that the one essential fact they need to know may be hidden under the next rock. That said, once they make their decision to purchase they spend like sailors in heat.
Sagittarius November 23 – December 21
Everything’s a big joke with these jovial, optimistic and irresponsible shoppers: For a goof, they’ll order crates of penny candy sent to their offices, pledge massive amounts during charity fundraisers or fill out endless magazine subscription cards in physician waiting rooms. Of course, for a goof they’ll also skip out on the remaining 11/12ths of the payments due on a payment plan, let their credit cards lapse, or move without leaving a forwarding address.
Capricorn December 22 – January 20
Capricorns fancy themselves rebels, but ultimately crave order even in their outlaw fantasies. For instance, they will use direct marketing to order pot from a mail-order service. But they’ll be happier if it’s part of a continuity program that guarantees their quarter-ounce is delivered exactly on the first of every month.
Aquarius January 21 – February 19
Aquarians, the yentas of the zodiac, are the perfect embodiment of the 3/7 rule (a satisfied customer tells three people about his experience, but a dissatisfied customer tells seven). Since not every sign is going to chat up -- or down -- your business, Aquarians feel they need to make up for the other 11.
Pisces February 20 – March 20
The selfless and easily led Piscean will fall all over himself explaining how the three-armed sweater he received is probably his fault, and will offer to pay the extra shipping costs to return it, if it’s not too much trouble to the marketer. Guilt-ridden Pisceans buy as much merchandise through cross- and upsell scripts on complaint calls as they do through regular inbound telemarketing.
To respond to the characterizations in this column, please contact rlevey@primediabusiness.com
