Humorist Tom Lehrer once spoke about a letter he received that read “Darling, I love you and I cannot live without you. Marry me, or I will kill myself.” As Lehrer noted, “I was a little disturbed at that until I took another look at the envelope and saw that it was addressed to ‘occupant.’”
I was reminded of this by a recent e-mail I received from a major hotel chain, which read, in part:
“Good morning! On behalf of [Very Large Hotel Chain], we would like to offer you a complimentary Platinum membership with our customer loyalty program. Last month, the program enrolled its 21 millionth member making it the largest in the world in number of members - even surpassing Marriott.”
The letter then listed a series of distinctions and benefits, and concluded with:
“As a respected journalist who covers customer loyalty programs, we hope you can accept this membership in order to become familiar with the program and its many user-friendly attributes. Once we hear back from you we’ll get you set-up with a membership number and card so you can begin taking advantage of [Very Large Hotel Chain] membership, at the Platinum level, right away.”
Gentle readers, it would have been a lovely gesture, but this platinum offer was not addressed to me, even though it was sent to my e-mail account. In fact, it was addressed to “Mr. Schultz.”
That would probably be Ray Schultz, Direct’s editorial director. Who, incidentally, did not get an offer of his own, either addressed to him or anyone else.
This isn’t the only place [Very Large Hotel Chain] is confused: Look at the sentence that begins “As a respected journalist who covers customer loyalty programs, we hope you can accept this membership....”
“As a respected journalist...we”? As I read it, the hospitality chain itself is claiming that it is a respected journalist. This dangling modifier not only dangles, it’s hitched to the back of a hotel courtesy bus and dragged back and forth across the parking lot. But I digress.
It appeared they expected to hear back from me. I hated to disappoint them:
“Many thanks for this generous offer. Unfortunately, I am not Mr. Schultz. Mr. Schultz is my boss. I am Mr. Levey.
“While both of us cover customer loyalty programs -- and have for nearly eight years -- we are hardly what you would call respected journalists. Especially when there is unfettered access to a minibar involved.
“Your note does beg a question, though: Are we considered one and the same by [Very Large Hotel Chain]? I’m 36, he’s -- well, he’s a bit older than that. I’m taller than he is, and I weigh a bit more. My arms are longer, which gives me quite the advantage when we box. I prefer synthetic-filled pillows to feather pillows, and have no idea where he stands on the matter.
“We’re both Jewish, for what it’s worth.
“In addition to my reporting duties, I write a column called ‘Loose Cannon,’ which pokes fun at the foibles of the marketing community. Mr. Schultz writes a column called ‘Direct Hit,’ which also comments on the marketing community, although I believe I have done so more often in rhyme.
“So by all means, write back and let me know how you use loyalty marketing, especially among your platinum-level enrollees, to differentiate within your customer base. This note certainly has made [Very Large Hotel Chain] stand out in my mind.
“I’ll be right here, unless I am in Mr. Schultz’s office. In which case you may certainly address one of us with the other’s e-mail address.”
[signed]
Mr. Levey
I did hear back from the chain – though not from the sender of the original letter. In an attempt to avoid confusion over our last names, this letter started simply, “Richard:” (Apparently one tongue-in-cheek response was enough to put us on a first-name basis.)
That letter stated “Our intention was to offer membership to both of you...however, somehow you turned into one address.” (I’ve heard of this phenomenon --- it’s distantly related to spontaneous combustion. But it’s something best avoided when introducing a new program to a CRM reporter.)
It went on to say “I appreciate your response and am thrilled to hear that you are interested in a complimentary Platinum membership.” Huh? Where in my note did I say that? If I were a cynical person, I might wonder whether they ever actually read my letter. Actually, the hotel chain’s second letter sounds like a form response with a personalized introduction.
So no, [Very Large Hotel Chain] I’m not interested in a complimentary Platinum membership - and I wouldn’t be allowed to accept it even if I were. But I do wish you luck with the program.
From what I’ve seen, you’re going to need it.
To respond to the opinions in this column, please contact rlevey@primediabusiness.com. Ask for Mr. Schultz
