Until recently, I’d managed to avoid visiting any of Orlando’s cultural centers or, as they are known to the rest of the world, theme parks. But during a break in the Direct Marketing Association’s recent Direct to Business Conference, I toured NeVARland, a rides-and-attractions destination designed to appeal to business-to-business marketers and value-added resellers.
Upon entering NeVARland visitors may exchange their dollars for “purchase orders,” which can be used to obtain soft-serve ice cream cones, hot dogs, or plush toy replicas of Ralph Lane (R.L.) Polk and John H. Patterson. But unless one is traveling with a family the size of the Kennedy clan, it’s probably better to avoid the concession stands. As befits the B-to-B theme, all stands have a minimum purchase requirement of 144 units, no matter what you’re purchasing.
NeVARland features a boat ride that winds through tableaus of China, India, Ireland, and other countries known for doing data processing and call centers operations cheaper and better than in the U.S. While the images of grinning natives hunched over data terminals or seated at phone cubicles may make the more culturally sensitive twitch, the most painful part of the ride is the endless repetition of its theme song, “It’s a Call World, After All.”
The Bankruptcy Bathysphere takes advantage of NeVARland’s coastal location: This attraction slowly submerges riders through the depths of corporate bankruptcy proceedings, descending from Chapter 11 (reorganization) to Chapter 7 (liquidation). A small sign outside the Bankruptcy Bathysphere reminds patrons that Florida law contains a state homestead exemption, which prevents most creditors from seizing primary residences.
If the kiddies get restless, hop on the Rail-O-Resellers monorail. It won’t take you back to the parking lot, or in fact anywhere you’ve already been. The track, which was apparently designed by M.C. Escher during his migraine period, sends you further into the park, only to ultimately dump you in a godforsaken little corner called “End-usersville.” The only way out of End-usersville is through an attraction called the Tunnel of Returned Goods, which would really be something if they didn’t wrap your entire body in brown paper and twine before leading you to your seat.
To respond to the opinions in this column, please contact rlevey@primediabusiness.com
