We not only are cooking the goose that should be laying golden eggs. We're throwing out the breasts and thighs and keeping the fat. The wishbone? It's cracked.
You know what the reference is: e-mail.
I have to be among the top 10 fans of e-mail marketing. In my opinion — and I've stated that opinion often enough to see it in print several times — it's the most dynamic, most powerful, and potentially most effective communications weapon since the Gutenberg Bible.
Scam artists may have existed during Gutenberg's time, but they didn't have the advantage of instant mass circulation. So we don't have any records of a back-alley promoter in Mainz, Germany, running ads worded “Genuine Gutenberg Bible, original faux-parchment, absolutely free*.” The asterisk would have referred to $37 million for shipping and handling.
I've culled from my computer screen enough spam scams to load up this entire magazine five times over. What bothers me is the apparent contagion that's hit the e-mail marketplace. Some of these offers are clever enough to imply a true communicative talent. Why use that talent to damage the bowl of apples for the rest of us?
Here's an e-mail. Subject line: “Look Years Younger with this Complimentary SAMPLE!” OK, OK, so the subject-line technique is two years out of date. We know that and so does the sender but he/she doesn't care because fish are swarming in the e-mail waters. Click: It's $1.97 shipping, opening a negative-option deal for $39.95 a month. If that $39.95 had been mentioned in the original e-mail, integrity would be maintained. Oh, but we can't do that: Fewer clicks.
You probably have seen this one a bunch of times: “Congrats! — You've won 4 Airline Tickets.” It parallels the old “Pack your bags!” pitch we used to get in snail mail. In fact, early on the e-mail says, “Pack your bags and get ready to take that well-deserved FREE vacation getaway!”
Click and it leads to a promotional site that quickly asks who you are, what your online name is, and, naturally, which credit card you want to use. Eventually, plowing through a jungle of long URLs, the deal comes clear: You pay a membership fee of $9.95 a month, which entitles you to buy stuff at a discount. The membership fee isn't mentioned until after all entries are posted…and that's what separates this offer from an open one that wouldn't have had people gritting, “I've been scammed.”
You may have seen this masterpiece of subtle sell: “FREE $25 Kmart Gift Card!”
How “free” is it? To get the card, you become a member of the “Simple Escapes Savings Service.” You pay a $1 “processing fee” and, after the first 30 days, you pay $139.95 “for a full year of savings, automatically charged to the credit card you use today.”
In defense of this deal, they do tell you that you can cancel within the first 30 days. And this cancellation option represents the second generation of spam scam.
Why, you ask, do I include offers with opt-outs as spam scams? Because every one of these does have an opt-out, in one form or another. What's depressing isn't that we, the recipients, can get out of the deal. Oh, no, what's depressing is that these offers scream “Free! Free!” and then, after we're snared in their web, explain — as casually as the rules of communication allow — that these silver linings are stitched to clouds.
A marketer named Synapse has mastered the art of obfuscation. E-mail brings offers of free subscriptions. Ignore one and a few days later you get another, for a different magazine. Typical offer:
“Reserve your FREE one-year subscription to Digital Life Magazine! No credit card required! No purchase necessary!”
Click: “Select Your Favorite Magazines and Get FREE Software. Shipping and handling is [sic] ABSOLUTELY FREE!” Then… “Get your favorites — one year risk free.” Hey, fellows, risk free isn't the same as free, especially since mice-type deep in paragraph four of a link qualifies the deal: “Magazine Offer Details: Select any three magazines risk free for one year from today. The credit card you provide will be charged the price shown. One year from making your selections you can call to cancel and receive a full refund.” Note: To cancel, you have to call. Legal, but not in the spirit of the offer.
Here's a list builder, a “Mystery Gift.” The e-mail was addressed to me, but the subject line is “margo, thank you!” The lowercase makes up for all those initial caps others use, but the message is clear: “Thank you.”
What's the “thank you”? Well, “Because you are a valued friend” (it's signed “Kate”) I can get the Mystery Gift for just $5.95 shipping. So it's a list builder, and they capture a credit card number. Mild advice for this marketer — since the deal is fairly clean, why not say it's because you're building a list of smart people who want to buy at bargain prices?
This next one isn't so clean. It says, “dragonelle, You have been approved. Cash Grant Amount: $10,000-$5,000,000. Did you know? Each Year the U.S. Goverment [sic] Gives away BILLIONS in cash grants? There are No special requirements to obtain these grants. These are Free Cash Grants That you NEVER have to repay! dragonelle, You qualify! Click Here. Limited Time Offer.”
For starters, assuming the “Goverment” is giving away money to anyone other than cabinet members and other insiders, what logic prompted the apparently random use of capital letters? And we, with our exalted marketing backgrounds, quickly see that qualifying for a grant isn't parallel to getting a grant.
Big surprise: Click and the qualifications are rigid: You can't have a net worth above $250,000 and must be over age 18. The program's altruism is tempered by reality: You pay $49.99 for “our Grant Program.” Sigh.
I only have this one page, so I apologize to the hundreds of other spam scammers I haven't included. But a warning, guys: Your ploys have been noted and recorded. For a limited time, I'll take your name off the spam-scam list, free… except for shipping and manhandling, $25,000.
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 27 books are a recently published new edition of “On the Art of Writing Copy,” “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
