Or, here's to mice-type
I have a love/hate relationship with Vanity Fair. And I'm hooked on HDTV. What's the parallel? The Obfuscation Situation.
Vanity Fair has elements we don't see in print or hear on broadcast stations anywhere else. It also has the capability of infuriating its readers.
Our subscription was expiring. Here's an insert in the magazine screaming, “Only 1 Issue Left…Don't be dropped from our ‘A’ List!”
Great heavens! What if they drop me down to “B”? The next step beyond that is purgatory. After all, it's just $18 a year.
But what's this, bound into the magazine? “Get 12 issues for $15.” Huh? Is that any way to treat an old friend, who's put up with the monthly search to find a table of contents on unnumbered pages?
Oh, here's some mice-type below the $15 offer: “plus $3 shipping and handling.”
A magazine adding a charge for “shipping and handling”? What if I show up at your shipping and handling headquarters, which, appropriately, is located in Boone, IA, and demand my magazine…less that extra three bucks?
It's pure 21st-century bait and switch. The flat $18 is far less annoying than $15 plus $3 shipping and handling. Seems to me we're wallowing in a new rhetorical trough of misleading advertising, and that little peccadillo damages every one of us anachronisms who still believe in a straightforward offer.
Here's a page in an FSI, offering “100% digital picture” high-definition TV reception. Wow, what a deal — $19.99 per month. But what's this? Tiny, tiny, is “Standard Definition.” Uhhh…what does that mean? Standard definition and high definition are at opposite poles, aren't they? Yeah, I get the idea: When in doubt, obfuscate…and hope the customer forgets the insidious virus you've injected into the offer's bloodstream.
The same dish deal, online, offers a free high-definition recorder and free three-month service. Oops — here's the mice-type. One line says it's based on a 24-month service contract. OK, that's expected. But what's this? “Starting at $19.99/month.” Starting? Click all over this e-mail…and there's no explanation of where the “ending” is.
Ah! Here's “Offers/.” Click: Hmmm — “Packages starting at $29.99/mo.” Better stop, because one more click and we'll get boosted to $39.99/mo.
So we'll check another line, for the free gift: “Restrictions apply. See terms and conditions for details.” Oh? Where are those nasty details? Click: “You agree to a monthly programming package which includes a minimum of DishFAMILY, America's Top 100, DishLATINO, or Great Wall programming service, and agree to not terminate such service for any reason during your 24 month service commitment. This 24 month service commitment is part of your agreement with American Satellite, and shall be binding upon you even if you choose a ‘no contract’ option with DISH Network. If service is terminated or downgraded below DishFAMILY or DishLATINO prior to 24 months, or if you elect to use DISH Network's ‘Dish Pause’ service prior to six months, you agree to pay American Satellite a termination fee of $295. Your use of the services provided by American Satellite and DISH Network shall confirm your acknowledgment of this fee.” Huh?
How about my free gift? Click: Confusion. “Shipping and handling Per Item $39.95”? For what items? Click: “Please print this page, fill the form in, attach the sixth months bill, certified money order for $39.99, and send to: P.O. Box 881213 San Diego, CA 92168.” What sixth months bill?
Hold it. Here's a “Service Agreement.” And, according to my trusty document counter, it's 6,233 words. Too many of the paragraphs begin with or are built around “You agree to pay… .”
Escape — before we get nailed at $49.99/mo. plus a 12-month bill, plus a visit to the nearest mental clinic. So let's propose a toast:
Here's to mice-type! You be Mickey and I'll be Goofy.
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the recently published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He's also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
