Think toilet-papered trees and egged front doors are the most insidious aspect of the current holiday? Think again, friends, for I come before you today to say Halloween threatens nothing less than the survival of the direct marketing industry.
This “holiday” sends millions of consumers into their local Costco, where they purchase Wonder Woman, Captain America and Baby Jane Hudson costumes, to say nothing of economy-sized bags of M & Ms, right off the shelves. Rare is the celebrant who stumbles across the perfect set of blood-encrusted fangs at the last minute by reading the mail.
There are those who avoid costume consumerism by making their own outfits. These incorrigible few will be forced to wear a scarlet D.I.Y., led to the town commons, placed in stocks and pelted with apples of two varieties: with and without razor blades.
Furthermore, so-called trick-or-treating reinforces the dangerous idea of instant gratification – that desired goods and services are no more than a door-knock away. Where is the nod to our industry’s time-honored four-to-six weeks-for-delivery period?
For that matter, where is the differentiation? Everyone who knocks receives the same candy, or perhaps a choice of two, in those households attempting to placate the peanut-allergic or chocolate-disdaining.
The message this sends to young, impressionable consumers is that the DM industry’s focus on one-to-one marketing is for naught. Halloween teaches that consumers are at the mercy of whoever answers the door. This is not a holiday: It is economic enslavement.
The struggle against Halloween will not be an easy fight, my friends. Our only hope is a three-step process of awareness, resistance and cooption.
1. If you are reading this, you’re aware.
2. As for resistance, rather than handing out candy right then and there, DMers should interrogate anyone coming to their doors as to their confection preferences and body-mass index, and deliver an appropriate treat to them around Thanksgiving or so. (There will be purists who insist that Halloween is about candy. To placate them, we could move the trick-or-treating element to late August so these orthodox few can receive their candy by Oct. 31.)
Separately, as part of our resistance effort all direct marketers must memorize a series of talking points detailing how Halloween perpetuates class warfare. Children in sparsely populated rural districts do not have the opportunity to go door-to-door, unless their parents take out a second mortgage to pay for a tank of gas. Let’s make trick-or-treating a wedge issue.
3. Finally, cooption. The ultimate goal will be to do away with the dispensing of candy altogether. In late October, DMers should sponsor catalog circulars in local media and distribute S & H Green stamps to all revelers. Not only will this give the young an introduction to distance shopping, but in time they may develop an appreciation for the elegance of operations and fulfillment systems.
The day is coming when those celebrating this abomination of a festival will be carted off and reeducated. For now, however, we must take measured steps. When trick-or-treaters arrive at your door, do not shun or harangue them. Love them. And give them a gift certificate, a catalog and a pitying smile.
To respond to this column, please contact e-mail: rlevey@primediabusiness.com
