News item: The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has upheld prisoners’ right to receive direct mail solicitations and catalogs. The ruling stemmed from a lawsuit filed against the state of Washington’s Department of Corrections. The DOC had claimed that such solicitations contributed to unruliness among prisoners and presented a fire hazard.
June 3, 2005
To: Charles Wilkes, Secretary, Department of Corrections, Washington State
Fr: Marcus Whitman, Warden, Clallam Bay Corrections Center, Washington State
Memo #1
All right, if the bleeding hearts want to believe that receiving the “Potpourri Dreams” and “Smashing Swatches” catalogs has a rehabilitative element, let them. I’m not going to fight it.
I’ll get a couple of trustees to sort the stuff as it comes in. No big deal.
June 10, 2005
To: Charles Wilkes, Secretary, Department of Corrections, Washington State
Fr: Marcus Whitman, Warden, Clallam Bay Corrections Center, Washington State
Memo #2
I know I’ve agreed to go along with the direct mail directive, but this whole program mystifies me. What, exactly, are these people going to buy, and with what money? The average job here pays 15 cents an hour into their commissary account.
I’m not going to tolerate a cellblock full of people cutting back on toiletries so they can make the latest installment payment on their encyclopedia sets. August is right around the corner, and the state just turned down our requisition for air conditioning. If you think I’m going to let prisoners skimp on buying soap, you’ve got another think coming.
June 27, 2005
To: Charles Wilkes, Secretary, Department of Corrections, Washington State
Fr: Marcus Whitman, Warden, Clallam Bay Corrections Center, Washington State
Memo #3
Either revise this stupid policy or send more guards.
Yesterday I had an officer injured when a fight erupted during exercise time between two gangs. Turns out the Young Lords and the Shamrocks each claimed “dibs” on any catalog addressed to “Occupant.”
What the hell, Chuck: They’re ALL occupants. Can’t they just get along?
I’ve brokered a truce by declaring the Young Lords “Occupants” and the Shamrocks “Or Current Residents.” But it is an uneasy truce, and I have my doubts as to how long it can hold.
July 1, 2005
To: Charles Wilkes, Secretary, Department of Corrections, Washington State
Fr: Marcus Whitman, Warden, Clallam Bay Corrections Center, Washington State
Memo #4
I’ve just been informed through back channels that Amnesty International is going to spring a visit on us to make sure the incarcerated are receiving their junk mail. What?
It’s a frickin’ catalog. It’s not like we’re denying them dental care. Since when did the ability to order fruit baskets throughout the year become a human rights issue?
July 5, 2005
To: Charles Wilkes, Secretary, Department of Corrections, Washington State
Fr: Marcus Whitman, Warden, Clallam Bay Corrections Center, Washington State
Memo #5
We’ve had to pull people off license plate detail in order to process all the incoming mail in a timely fashion. Who would have thought New England-style tweeds would be so popular among the incarcerated? We give them orange jumpsuits – why isn’t that enough? Ingrates.
As far as I’m concerned, the only good to come out of this mess is that we’ve started pulping the automobile insurance solicitations and mixing them into the instant mashed potatoes. We’ve realized a 15% cost savings through extension, and the prisoners claim the spuds have never tasted so good.
July 9, 2005
To: Charles Wilkes, Secretary, Department of Corrections, Washington State
Fr: Marcus Whitman, Warden, Clallam Bay Corrections Center, Washington State
Memo #6
Just got a call from a “list broker” person. She wanted to know if I was willing to “segment” the population by crime classification.
I said, “Lady, I segment them by which ones I think are going to try to cut my guards’ ears off. Those are the ones in The Hole.” So then I heard her scribbling and she said, “Right, I think I can get an extra five bucks per thousand for that.”
July 12, 2005
To: Charles Wilkes, Secretary, Department of Corrections, Washington State
Fr: Marcus Whitman, Warden, Clallam Bay Corrections Center, Washington State
Memo #7
I hate pre-paid reply forms. That particular innovation has single-handedly caused more work around here than any other I can think of, including our road gang supervision system. We’ve got one happy camper who managed to fill out 310 of them in the last month – which means he’s now getting 310 replies, to say nothing of all the sucker lists he’s on.
Fire hazard? The only thing in his cell that isn’t a fire hazard is the metal frame of his bunk. I have no idea what he’s up to, but if he decides to go out in a blaze of glory he’ll take most of B Wing with him, fueled by credit card solicitations. Why don’t we just issue prisoners a tank of propane while we’re at it? At least that stuff burns clean.
Chuck, if I ever get my hands on the rat who invented the pre-paid reply envelope, you’d better open up a cell for me here at Clallam, ‘cause he ain’t leaving our meeting alive.
July 19, 2005
To: Charles Wilkes, Secretary, Department of Corrections, Washington State
Fr: Marcus Whitman, Warden, Clallam Bay Corrections Center, Washington State
Memo #8
Now what do I do? The prisoners have filed a brief wanting to know how they can get off the federal do-not-call list. They’re demanding the right to receive telephone solicitations. Has the attorney general staked out a position on this yet?
If this ever trickles down to the right to receive spam, I’m resigning. I don’t care if Bill Gates does own this state. Enough is enough.
To respond to this column, please contact e-mail: rlevey@primediabusiness.com
