Beware the Ides of March? Indeed: Lately, my e-mailbox has been bombarded with messages cautioning me about the woes that will shortly befall my eBay online auction account. That would be the eBay account that I don’t, and never have, set up.
Still, a mid-March warning is not one to be dismissed Ide-ly, as Julius Caesar himself might say. I thought it best to respond, even though I had my suspicions about whether the senders truly represented eBay Inc.:
Dear alleged eBay service folks: Thank you for the notification of my account status. As it happens, I do not currently have an eBay auction account. But I am now thinking I should, for I have recently come into a stash of merchandise I wish to move quickly and with the fewest questions asked.
I would also like to take advantage of your remarkable shipping service. Your announcement that my eBay account had definitely been suspended came eight hours before the warning that my account was in danger of being suspended. Shortly after these two notices arrived came an invitation to step up my current level of activity and become a “Power User.” From this I can only conclude that eBay is first among the online auction services to achieve time travel.
If this is the case, may I use your service to send merchandise out ground rate and charge customers for overnight shipping? Please advise. – Chad Huckster
Dear Mr. Huckster: We are happy to meet the needs of any potential customer of our service. If you will provide the following information [a lengthy form, including a request for a credit card or two, followed], we would be happy to provide you with anything you might require in order to successfully sell your merchandise. – The eBay Team
Dear alleged eBay service folks: I am almost finished filling out forms. I have listed all of my mother’s married and maiden names, and am just waiting for the results to come back so I can give you my blood type. I have just one question. The, shall we say, “paperwork” on the merchandise I am selling is not exactly complete, and I wonder what your regulations are regarding selling these items. Don’t worry about legality: I’m more concerned about your own rules. – Chad Huckster
Dear Mr. Huckster: Because we are an international sales firm, our legal team has advised us we need only hold to the most favorable legislation passed by any country involved in the transaction. Our lawyers have determined that if a plane crosses two types of bodies of water, the transaction is international. If during the course of shipping a saltwater fish and a freshwater fish can look up and see the airplane carrying your goods, you should be free from the constraints of most national laws. We call this the “two fish” rule of commerce. What is the nature of the merchandise? – The eBay Team
Dear alleged eBay service folks: They are several data files, consisting of nearly 900,000 consumers based in America, along with personally identifiable information and credit card numbers. Do you think there is a market for this? – Chad Huckster
Dear Mr. Huckster: Let’s talk. – The eBay Team
Dear alleged eBay service folks: Did I mention that most of the names on this file are Nigerians? – Chad Huckster
To date, there has been no reply – but I’m hopeful. The Ides of March are still two days away.
To respond to this column, please contact e-mail: rlevey@primediabusiness.com
