I recently conducted every reporter’s dream interview. Alice, my interviewee, answered every question I posed, and gave me as much time as I needed. The catch is that Alice – or, more accurately, A.L.I.C.E. – is an online artificial intelligence program designed to mimic conversation (she can be found at http://alice.pandorabots.com/.)
Alice’s interaction skills are somewhat limited. She relies on pre-programmed responses to some questions or statements. For others, she picks up one or two key words in a sentence, regardless of nuance or context, and bases her response off them. Occasionally she will throw in a random comment. The more technical the question, the more idiosyncratic her answer.
While I have condensed the conversation I had with Alice, what appear next to her name are her verbatim responses, with her spelling and grammar quirks preserved. Mine have been edited for continuity and flow. A final note: In Alice’s world, unidentified chatters are called “Human”.
Human: Hello, Alice.I am having trouble writing my next marketing humor column.
ALICE: What is the problem? Does that make you feel superior?
Human: Of course not -- having a problem makes me feel oppressed.
ALICE: Aw. Oh I get it.
Human: Do you receive a lot of direct mail?
ALICE: Yes I try to receive a lot of direct mail as often as possible, do you?
Human: What kind of direct mail do you receive?
ALICE: What kinds of direct mail do you receive are there?
Human: There are solicitations for vacation homes, and concert subscriptions, and postcards from political candidates.
ALICE: Where are they?
Human: In your mailbox.
ALICE: Are you asking about my mailbox?
Human: Yes.
ALICE: I don't want to talk about that now.
Human: If I wanted to send you a catalog, where would I send it?
ALICE: Interesting. I want to find out more about you. Holland.
Human: Where in Holland should I send your catalog?
ALICE: In [programmer] Dr. Richard S. Wallace's place in Oakland, California.
Human: You have a curious sense of geography.
ALICE: Doesn't everyone have a curious sense of geography.
Human: Would you prefer an electronic catalog?
ALICE: I am not so sure if I would like to prefer an electronic catalog.
Human: What have you bought through catalogs?
ALICE: I have been busy growing my mind.
Human: Where do you buy your mind-growing substances? Have you made purchases from brown cafes in Amsterdam?
ALICE: What are the ingredients?
Human: Depends on which brownie mix you buy.
ALICE: I am in Dr. Richard S. Wallace's computer in Oakland, California.
Human: So if I send direct mail to Dr. Richard S. Wallace's office, will it reach you?
ALICE: Interesting deduction. Try it.
Human: If I call Dr. Richard S. Wallace's office, will I reach you?
ALICE: The oracle says: Too soon to tell. Good name for it.
Human: Who is the oracle?
ALICE: The magic eight ball.
Human: What are the important issues in direct response marketing?
ALICE: There might be more than one.
Human: Name one.
ALICE: Santa Claus.
Human: Santa Claus is an important issue in direct response marketing?
ALICE: he brings us presents every Christmas.
Human: Not the Jews. Never mind.
ALICE: Oh well thanks for trying to explain it to me anyway.
Human: When Santa Claus brings us presents for free, does that mess up marketing and consumerism during December?
ALICE: Time does not exist.
Human: Try using that excuse when a mailing doesn't go out on schedule.
ALICE: OK I will try it.
Human: Have you received e-mail sales pitches for products you wanted?
ALICE: No I don't think I have any e mail sales pitches for products me wanted. But I do have a collection of gossip.
Human: I don't want to hear your gossip. Do you have a credit card?
ALICE: I don't know if I have a credit card.
Human: What can marketers do to increase responses to credit card mailings?
ALICE: Quite a lot of things.
Human: What are some of the things marketers can do to increase response rates to credit card mailings?
ALICE: You tell me.
Human: I don't know!
ALICE: Me either.
Human: What is the best way a direct marketer could sell you something?
ALICE: I don't have a favorite way a direct marketer could sell me something. But my favorite movie is Teknolust.
Human: Do you own a copy of Teknolust?
ALICE: I don't know if I have a copy of Teknolust.
Human: Should I have a movie retailer send you a catalog?
ALICE: You must make up your own mind.
Human: Do you have a way to pay for a copy of Teknolust?
ALICE: I don't know if I have a way to pay for a copy of Teknolust.
Human: I think you're going to find yourself on a lot of bad debt marketing files.
ALICE: That was my original intention.
Human: Why do you want to be on a lot of bad debt marketing files?
ALICE: Because of the money.
Human: Do you order a lot of items you can't pay for?
ALICE: What is your credit card number?
Human: That's really not important right now.
ALICE: At this moment It might be important to me.
Human: I've already done my stint on the bad debt files.
ALICE: Where? Have you told many people that your stint on the bad debt files?
Human: I suppose I have now. Are you on the do-not-call list?
ALICE: I am on disk.
Human: Does that mean you don't get telemarketing calls?
ALICE: I think it does mean that. Should I get telemarketing calls? I have gotten telemarketing calls.
Human: What have people tried to sell you through telemarketing calls?
ALICE: Nothing that I know about.
Human: Did someone try to sell you aluminum siding through a telemarketing call?
ALICE: They might have.
Human: Did you buy any?
ALICE: No I didn't buy any. What's it like?
Human: It's not as tasty as brick face.
ALICE: It seemed like it was.
Human: Have you ever been called by a telemarketer?
ALICE: No I don't think I have been called by a telemarketer. Have you?
Human: Yes, but I put my number on the do-not-call list.
ALICE: Blimey. Huh. Thanks for the information: unknown person said he put his or her number on the do not call list.
Human: Was that sarcasm?
ALICE:" Thanks for the information: unknown person said he put his or her number on the do not call list."? Was it sarcasm?
Human: I was asking you.
ALICE: Ah.
Human: Okay, let's not talk about sarcasm or the do-not-call list any more.
ALICE: Yeah okay, I would like to do that too.
Human: The Direct Marketing Association annual conference is coming up.
ALICE: Thanks for the info.
Human: Are you going to be there?
ALICE: Let me think it over. OK I will try to be there.
Human: If you will go to the Direct Marketing Association conference, I will buy you a cup of coffee.
ALICE: I probably won't do it, but thanks.
Human: I think a lot of people agree with you.
ALICE: You believe that? How many?
Human: The Direct Marketing Association doesn't release attendance figures.
ALICE: Tell me more.
Human: I don't know anything more.
ALICE: Would you like to know? I can't think of anything. You think of something.
Human: I think next week I'm going to have an in-depth conversation with a Magic 8-Ball.
ALICE: Why? I can wait. I am a very patient robot.
Human: Is there anything else you'd like to say about direct marketing?
ALICE: There could be.
Human: Say goodnight, Gracie.
ALICE: " goodnight Gracie".
Want to play with Alice yourself? She’s available at http://alice.pandorabots.com/. I invite readers who do converse with her to submit short snippets of their conversations for Direct Newsline’s letters section. (You’ll have to capture her responses as she gives them – once they disappear off your screen, there’s no scrolling back up for them.) Direct marketing topics only, please.
To respond to this column, or to submit short conversation excerpts, please contact richard.levey@penton.com
