Got a kid in college or about to graduate from high school? Does he drive a hulking vehicle known more for its lumbering size than its practicality? Start looking for a letter similar to the following in your mailbox:
“Dear Prospective Soldier: We see that you own a Humvee. How’d you like to drive one for your country in Iraq? Granted, the one we issue you probably won’t be as well armored as the one you’ve currently got….”
This level of targeting shouldn’t come as a surprise. It seems that since 2003, the Department of Defense has maintained a database of draft-age students in order to offer them relevant enlistment messages. This is no electronic index card file: The system holds a wide variety of information on 12 million potential grunts, including accurate date of birth information; ethnicity; telephone numbers; academic records and fields of study; and comprehensive driver’s license and vehicle identification number (VIN) data.
It’s an odd government that thinks VINs should be made available to recruit soldiers, but not to market automobile aftermarket products. Then again, the government has rarely been accused of consistency. Consider its stance on academic qualifications. The military has minimum grade point standards, but these have dropped recently in reaction to diminished enrollment. One can imagine the solicitations that use this data:
“Underachieving academically and seeking a different challenge? Pull a C- average, and be one of the first 250,000 respondents to this letter, and your Uncle might make you the first kid on your block to own an M-16 rifle, a pair of night vision goggles, a free haircut AND a nifty set of shoulder patches!”
“Boy oh boy,” marketers are thinking right now, “if this database is good enough for the government, it surely is good enough for us.” Folks, it could be even better for you, if you can get your hands on it. (Right now hundreds of hackers are diligently working on compromising it. It’s a no-brainer that at least one of ‘em can be convinced to download it for the price of either a college education or a fully loaded Hummer. If the military wised up and rented it, they could probably fight this war and turn a profit at the same time.)
This data file is unique because of the threat a draft represents to its targets. Smart marketers will exploit this. Take the packaged goods industry, which could send out the following letter in a shared-mail program:
“Kids, crawling around in the sand can be fun, but not while being shot at. For this reason, we’re encouraging all of you to be classified as 4-F by using our products to raise your weight and blood pressure. To that end, we’ve enclosed valuable discount coupons for our newly introduced 250-count packages of Ho-Hos and Doritos. They may never be confused with health food, but they’re a heck of a lot healthier than trying to avoid improvised explosive devices….”
(Side note: Poor Frito-Lay: First last week’s revelation that Doritos are Saddam Hussein’s favorite snack, and now my snarky comments. The company must be wondering if its headquarters was built on a sacred Native American burial ground. Relax, guys: Everything balances out. Within five years someone will discover that Doritos cure diphtheria.)
The products a reluctant person of draftable age might want are legion. Were I two decades younger, I would be looking into Canadian travel excursion packages. A multi-year trip to count maple trees and Molson bottles could be just the thing, come early 2007.
For those wishing to stay in the United States but avoid conscription, perhaps Manolo Blahnik could start making stylish combat boots with stiletto heels. Lancome could come out with a line of cosmetics for men who want to primp before facing a draft board. Finally, a tip for Victoria’s Secret: Be prepared for a generation of young men to move from catalog perusers to buyers. How stocked up are you on merry widows, size 46XL?
I’ll even start you off with a tag line: “Better red lace than dead.”
To respond to the opinions in this column, please contact e-mail: rlevey@primediabusiness.com
