Notice, please, the difference between becoming desensitized to an obnoxious trait…and ceasing to be irritated by it.
I'm thoroughly desensitized to direct messages whose originators think they're oh-so-clever by suckering us in, then changing the offer. After all, bait-and-switch is a venerated tradition in used car sales.
But being desensitized isn't parallel to no longer being irritated. These guys are damaging our golden medium, and I resent that.
I wasn't surprised when a local supermarket offered, in a freestanding newspaper insert, the house brand soft drink at “Buy one, get one free” — and raised the price during the promotion. There's no such thing as a free lunch…or a free bottle of root beer. The key isn't the raised price to accommodate the twofer; it's that the ploy is unsurprising.
I resent an e-mail message whose subject line is: “Your Acceptance Requested. Merchandise Standing By!” The initial caps are a quick negative indicator, but even without that amateurism I know the deal is phony. Get this message:
Dear Herschell:
These items are ready for delivery to:
Herschell:
FortLauderdale, FL
- Almond Bath & Shower Creme
- Facial Cleansing Gelee
- Purifying Body Lotion
- Fruit Enzyme Peel
Total charge for the items due: $0.00
Much as I've been aching for a fruit enzyme peel, clouds of suspicion roiled over the horizon. Deep — and I mean deep — into the click is this withdrawal: To accept your four free gifts now click “I Accept” below then purchase any of the BodyEQ feature items.
I can get Cellufirm Crème (not the more proletarian “Cream”) for $24 or Pure Relief for $19.95. Shipping? $5.85.
“Shipping” has become the scam-lovers' soul food. Here's a “God Bless America” magnet. It's free. Shipping is $4.97. Here's a cheese grater. It's free. Shipping is $7.41. The mini-tool set is free. Shipping is $6.93.
The amounts are trivial. The merchant fattens his e-mail list and the customer gets the magnet and cheese grater and mini-tool set. So why isn't it kosher? Because of the loose use of “free.” Smart marketing? Yes, until it wears out.
Understand where I'm coming from. After all the years in this business I know there ain't no such thing as a free lunch or a free fruit enzyme peel. I also know it's both possible and profitable to present an offer that doesn't help destroy credibility for other offers.
Compare that attempt to get a visitor onto a Web site with this e-mail offer: Get 2 Free* Nokia 3390's with unlimited calling between the two phones on the VoiceStream FamilyTime plan. Sign up today and you will also get UNLIMITED weekend minutes and Long Distance.
(I worried needlessly about the asterisk. The phones indeed are free, “after instant rebates.”)
If I were VoiceStream, I'd separate myself from these semi-scam deals by emphasizing the benefit of having two phones instead of one. Who knows how many prospects hit the “Delete” key because a legitimate offer was worded to parallel a scam?
Speaking of which…here's an e-mail that says clearly and flatly: Dear Herschell,
This is your opportunity to claim your $1,000 in Name-Brand Grocery Coupons and receive One FREE Month of Nationwide Toll-Free Voice Mail service. Just click here now to find out how easy it is for you to receive your $1,000 in Name-Brand Grocery Coupons!
Sure. We click here now, and what a surprise! A huge headline proclaims: “$1000.00 in Name Brand Grocery Coupons & Toll-Free Voice Mail.”
Two giveaways: First, the decimal-zero-zero betrays the deal. It's a pitch. Initial caps reinforce that conclusion. And the ampersand? Yuck. Looks like the doorplate of a sleazy law firm.
Yep. It's a “toll-free voice mail service,” whatever that is. And mice-type spells it out: “After your first FREE 30 days of service, the low monthly fee of only $12.95 will automatically be billed on your local telephone bill. In order to program and activate your service, and to ensure proper message delivery, there is also a one-time non-refundable set-up fee of only $14.95…”
Next? Same deal, different wording. I have a question after you've looked at it: Get $600 in grocery coupons plus savings certificates for $100 off your utility bills!
Click Here
You've been selected to receive up to $600 in grocery coupons, plus for a limited time, new members will receive savings certificates for $100, good towards your gas, electric, cable or any other utility bills, just for staying. Also, get a FREE 30-day trial in Shopper's Discount, where you can save on thousands of products — many at rock-bottom, closeout prices! You'll also receive…
Is it your opinion that delayed but included mention of the “30-day trial” mitigates the obfuscation? It isn't my opinion, and I'll tell you why.
We in this exalted direct universe are sophisticated interpreters of marketing terminology. We look for the gimmicks. We know a free 30-day trial means automatic billing after the 30 days. (In this case it's $96 a year, billed in advance. We keep the grocery coupons even if we cancel, but we're on their list and their marketing partners' lists until we opt out of each one.) We aren't as outraged when the Web site demands credit card information before verifying our freebies.
But others, especially new Web recruits sampling the sometimes wormy e-mail fruits, naively expect “free” to be condition-free. Oh, yeah…we'll sophisticate those people in a hurry!
So does a solution exist, one that still has seeds of salesmanship but doesn't mislead? Hey, this isn't nuclear science. But you might regard as primitive brain surgery the simple catchall: Just add “when you…” to the once-magical word “free.”
HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 26 books are “Marketing Mayhem” and the recently published “Effective E-mail Marketing.”
