Ever wonder if you were truly meant for a life of direct marketing? By completing the following test, modeled after the personality quiz designed by telepsychologist Dr. Phil, you can determine whether your temperament meshes with industry requirements.
Record your answers to each of the 10 questions below. Using the scoring guide at the end, add up the points associated with each of your answers and find your DM potential as indicated by the total.
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Two days before a massive direct mail effort, you notice the toll-free number printed on every piece is wrong. You:
a) Frantically offer the wrong number's current owner cash, but tell him if he gives it to you within the next 15 minutes, you'll throw in a bamboo steamer, six gallons of Mira-Clean and a handsome leather travel planner.
b) Plan a lawsuit against your list broker for renting you flawed prospecting files.
c) Blithely mail the campaign, rationalizing it as a “brand-building effort.”
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As a consumer packaged goods brand manager, you are given $10 million to launch a new product. You:
a) Undertake a massive demographic and psychographic study, combine it with the best regression analysis techniques around and design a highly segmented, highly customized campaign that targets nothing but sure-fire prospects — all four of them.
b) Invest in a Super Bowl TV ad buy, which also includes six tickets on the 50-yard line and the opportunity to meet Don Shula.
c) Locate the one A-list celebrity spokesperson not likely to violate a morals clause before the campaign is over, and pray that he/she isn't already retained by your competition.
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Your creative director proposes a brilliant campaign with one tiny flaw: The unifying element is a wildly offensive joke. You:
a) Fire him on the spot, fill the position with a member of the potentially offended group, and then go ahead and use the campaign, secure that you've inoculated yourself against criticism.
b) Compromise by making the sombrero, nose, dreadlocks, mustache, fez, cane and peace symbol in the accompanying cartoon less prominent.
c) Assign your market research team to determine the minority group's purchasing power and base your decision about using the campaign accordingly.
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You discover your in-house call center manager is using your phone lines to contact his bookie. You:
a) Outsource the operation to India and give him the option of transferring to New Delhi or resigning.
b) Outsource the operation to China, and give him the option of transferring to Zhenjiang or resigning.
c) Outsource the operation to San Quentin, and give him the option of transferring to Cellblock B or resigning.
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A “Johnson box” is:
a) An introduction to a cover letter set in a box above the letter's salutation, coined for legendary copywriter Frank Johnson.
b) An analogy for an inextricable and unprofitable campaign strategy, coined for Vietnam War era President Lyndon B. Johnson.
c) Something Times Square bookstores used to charge a quarter to see.
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“60 Minutes” reporter Mike Wallace accosts you and claims that the commemorative armaments kits you sell are responsible for an increase in violent crime rates. When he asks for your response, you say:
a) “That's pretty bold talk coming from the network that gave us ‘Gunsmoke.’”
b) “Looks like the sword's mightier than the pen after all, you liver-spotted twit.”
c) “About 1.2%, but some urban lists pull double that.”
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Ideally, an e-mail message's first paragraph should always:
a) Contain the correct gender-specific salutation.
b) Solicit a credit card number “just for identification purposes.”
c) Contain at least three words made up of letter/numeral/symbol combinations, such as “f@st c@sh” or “felon1ous.”
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Which of the following thoughts do you have when you tithe to a religious organization?
a) “So that's where the idea for installment plans came from.”
b) “I wonder if Mormons get a better return on investment?”
c) “Hmm, shouldn't charity begin at the home-based office?”
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What was the first thing you ever searched for on the Internet?
a) Cheesecake or beefcake pictures of a favorite celebrity.
b) Your competitors' Web sites.
c) A long-lost love — who might prove to be a prospect for your goods or services.
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What is the appropriate role of lawyers in the direct marketing profession?
a) To ensure that claims made within a DM ad meet both legal and ethical standards.
b) As members of an unusually affluent profession, they are highly desirable prospecting targets.
c) If they are married to travel agents, they can suggest the best escape route to Belize.
Scoring: 1. a = 4, b = 10, c = 6; 2. a = 10, b = 4, c = 6; 3. a = 10, b = 4, c = 6; 4. a = 4, b = 6, c = 10; 5. a = 10, b = 6, c = 4; 6. a = 6, b = 4, c = 10; 7. a = 4, b = 6, c = 10; 8. a = 6, b = 4, c = 10; 9. a = 4, b = 6, c = 10; 10. a = 4, b = 6, c = 10.
How did you score?
Below 40 points: Any form of direct marketing more sophisticated than a fake printer toner scam probably isn't right for you. Take heart, however: These types of programs are among the few that have consistently made money in every medium.
40-60 points: While you may successfully sell a commemorative plate or two, you should stick to time-tested themes such as “Star Trek” or Princess Di. Your own initiatives, such as the set celebrating gastrointestinal diseases of South America, are not likely to be met with enthusiasm
61-80 points: True, you're not daunted by most direct marketing techniques, ranging from regression analysis to correlating overlay data. But you also consider meeting a prospect face-to-face and quietly muttering “Did I ever tell you about the time I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?” an appropriate sales technique.
81-100 points: Direct response marketing, with its focus on earning back more than you put in, is the field you've been gearing yourself toward all your life. As a schoolchild, you probably expected to receive a grade of 98 on every test you answered 94% of the questions correctly.
101 points or higher: You are truly a master of the direct marketing universe! Neither good taste nor ethics will stand in your way as you claw to the top of the ROI heap. It would probably be best to hire someone else to do your accounting, however.
RICHARD H. LEVEY (rlevey@primediabusiness.com) is a senior writer for Direct. His Loose Cannon column appears every Monday on Direct Newsline (www.directmag.com).
